Drive or be Driven

If boredom can drive one to do any number of things, then why is it that we can even allow ourselves to be depicted as such? With my next class starting in just under a half hour, I cant help but cherish this slightly ambiguous “feeling” that can only be boredom. As today marks the very first day of classes, and with the exception of Chemistry, none of the study materials for any course will be available just this minute. So it seems that with each 60 minute break I have been allotted between classes (4 thus far)… I have found myself in a state of mind I couldn’t readily name until I began this post. I had the choice to take off earlier today, missing the class i just attended, and litterally ‘Drive’ away the boredom with a short road trip to my doctor’s office for an appointment I decided was better to have tomorrow. As it stands, I opted to keep my personal promise of attending all my classes, and relish this fleeting time that can be filled with nothing but me and my own thoughts, free of guilt or responsibility and simply be bored. The days of reading pages upon pages of foreign and complex material are only around the corner, and although the fervor of putting forth my best efforts this semester do excite me, I cant help but fully indulge this quiet, moment where my only feeling is calm, content, and if not Bored, ready for something more. Perhaps its the drive, or simply being driven… Either way, my own feet will do for now… Cheers

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The mighty mighty Bos-tone: Seas

From the open screen door a collaborative storm of wind and rain nearly drown out the hum of a distant but clear alarm. Sounding off from a nearby source, it is of no concern to the warm and dry residents on the second floor of let’s just call it, Block street.

Christmas Eve is now, and I am miles from home.
However, to remain consistent with the season, I’ll use more than a few cliches…

“Home is where the heart is”
Well…
My heart is in my chest.
However my BF is in the kitchen, and the smell of Clam chowder among other New England, and Italian delicacies is making this Rhode Island native right at home in Beantown; BUT if I am to borrow from the other gender…

“The way to a Man’s (and woman’s) heart is through his stomach.”
Well…

With the heavenly aroma of Clam chowder wafting in from the kitchen, and the soft hum of other mouth-watering Italian delicacies simmering on the stove top, this RI native feels more than at home in Bean town this holiday season. 

After a Stop to Smell the flowers….

Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows Part 1 starts with a pseudo montage:

The packing of the Dursley van

Ron sporting a concerned version of one of his two signature looks

(if not “sheepish grin” then bewilderment mingled with indignation)

and the scene that is the spark behind this post:

Hermione wipes her parents’ memory of her existence.

In doing so, the girl who is often labeled the “ brightest witch of her age”, along with the not so civilized term, “mudblood” has finally severed her last connection to the muggle world.

This concept came to mind after starting the film from the scene during which Harry tries to coax a smile from Hermione in the wake of Ron’s decision to go rogue.

There is much to say about the moment we see Harry take Hermione by the hand for a dance all the way through to the cold and flattened expression she wears once they pull away from the 30 second tryst with happiness.

However, it is when they ultimately end up in the forest of Dean, and she jokes with harry about staying in the place where she knows so well, yet if the people (her parents) she shared it with were to return, they’d remember nothing, including her.

She states, “Maybe we should just stay here; Grow old” which in many cases indicates the life you share with a significant other, if not marriage.

It was in this moment that the full extent of Hermione’s dedication to learning, to the greater good, and to Harry himself became overtly apparent after the most subtle sequence of events.

Hermione has openly and appropriately deemed harry as her best friend, and although Harry would rank Ron above her in that category, it is only by a minor default and frankly, the sentiment is certainly shared to some extent.

In many ways, some can agree that Ron was not the ideal for Hermione, but in him being present, he got the girl.

This basic overview of the following analysis on the relationship dynamics of Harry, Hermione, and Ron is only the tip of ice berg.

First Impressions

Pointing a wand and a steady hand directly at Harry’s forehead, Hermione confidently speaks, “occulus reparo” and at once, the glasses that were always broken repair themselves without moving off the bridge of Harry’s nose. Without waiting for him to speak, she chirps “that’s better isn’t it?”Excited to meet Harry and looking slightly let down and confused, she makes Ron’s acquaintance, and runs along after informing him that his face was dirty.

 

From the opening we see that Hermione’s initial reason for performing the spell was simply to demonstrate that she could, only after Ron had failed to perform one himself. Had she wanted to embarrass him further, she could have performed a cleaning spell on his face, however she opted to fix the glasses on Harry’s face, before she even knew who he was. Regardless of this, we know that her initial spell was not for Harry the boy who lived, but simply the boy sitting next to the boy who failed to impress her with his magical ability. She does go a step further in showing both of them her Type A nature, informing them they should change into their robes, but blatantly shows Ron her lack of excitement in making his acquaintance.

If the rules of first crushes apply, we know Hermione was playing the old ‘not impressed’ game so that Ron would not pick up on any interest. We also see that she did not hesitate to recognize Harry’s status while proclaiming her name as if it held the same weight most likely due to her confidence in her intellect.

In short, this scene can be chalked up to how Harry would be a good friend/teammate/person to acquainted with, meanwhile Ron was not someone who she could show even the slightest bit of affection despite a mutual acceptance that through their loyalty to Harry, they would have to, for the time being at least, tolerate the others existence.

That is of course until that fateful time when their union, which at times seemed inevitable, and others a forgotten thought, is the final result of such an epic series of books, and films.

All day. All ways, Always

Everyday

In my head

I ask myself as though I am someone else, “was it worth it?”

And I never know, because whatever it was that seemed worth bypassing the route that would keep me from asking that question never seems clear.

Or maybe it just disappears. That’s why it’s never worth it. When it leaves you feeling empty, like you lost somehow, then the answer is no.

If it lasts, remains, endures, and is still there when you feel a tinge of loss, then feel it restoring you, then yes, it is worth it.

That’s when you know you don’t have to ask…

because it will be right in front of your face, in your hand,

and yours.

~Cheers…Chairs~

Rewards we wait for and watch, yet never see

It was something to look forward to.
The soundtrack, or rather a song or two

I borrowed from it.

Carried me from class to frass, to class
Like I was the girl on fire,

and I was

Cold.

Coldplay singing the opening of the credits.

The hunger games catching fire

I finally watched it, two years after reading it, months after its release. Not a friend, nor a single soul to accompany my own to view it in the vast venue.
My living room, warm and neat, My son’s rhythmic snores behind me in tune with the film’s somber yet resilient tone.
Something to look forward to indeed.

I saw the film. I’ve lived through my own hunger games.

The fine folks in the welfare and food stamp office can tell you.

Shot an arrow here and there when my island clock simply counted the hours but never changed the day to night or night to day.

And what a difference a day can make.

Master Mix: What our playlists say to and for us

I made a mix CD recently while on a self-proclaimed mental health day excursion thing. I re-visited all the heavy hitters: Job-lot for the desk calendar, Wakefield mall for some lifelong dream cheapo treasure, staples to replace something I already had, but didn’t need, yet.

The Cd is comprised of songs I jotted down in the notepad app of my phone from January 2012, to December 2013- TWO years! Oddly enough only 11 songs made the official list, 3 of which were additions chosen from a playlist I had become enamored with during that very week, and the final song was one that spoke to me on too many levels that whether it was in the notepad or not, it had to make the list.

For one reason or another, I am finding it impossible to sleep tonight and something about that playlist or Cd as it was always meant to be keeps popping in my brain the more I try to force sleep. I will list it here, without the artist names, and perhaps that might shed some light as to why even the titles hold as much significance as the order in which they are presented. Keep in mind, the order in which they appear is the same order in which I “discovered” or rather they appeared to me in real life. They are as follows:

“This Time” “I Will” “Paint it Black” “So Contagious” “Stairway to heaven”

“Leave out all the rest” “All My Loving” “Decode” “Story of my Life” “Gold Lion”

“Last Night at the Jetty”

Two songs I wanted to add are by Coldplay, but I did not, as the note that was attached to their entries instructed me to play the songs on an actual instrument; one on piano and the other on guitar. The rest needed to be played, or easily accessible. And so now they are.

The more I look at the song the more my mind thinks of ways to attach meaning to them in some Robert Langdon sort of attempt at cracking a Riddle of the Tom Marvolo fashion. (Always a Potter reference 🙂

What I must accept is that there is nothing to add to these songs.

  1. The artists who produced them already have a true and designated meaning.
  2. The way in which they sparked my interest on the day or night they did that caused me to make a note of their existence also holds a single true designated meaning.
  3. And yes there is a third reason, despite all of the above, finally compiling them together, with each song so unlike the one that plays before it in so many ways, they fit perfectly, and resonate with me now more than ever.

 

 

…WHY…

The truth is I only remember how I first came about one of the songs. The first song on the list:

“This Time” by John Legend.

 It is the only R&B track on the Cd.

It played at the final wedding scene of what happened to be the series finale of a semi-popular show called “The Game” that aired on the CW network, formerly known as UPN.

The mildly comedic show followed the lives of a rising star in the NFL, Derwin, his girlfriend Melanie who was attending Johns Hopkins medical school, and they’re inner circle. Without excruciating detail, the show took place in LA, characters were exaggerated but the characters of Derwin and Melanie were likable enough to last a few seasons. Towards the end, Derwin and ‘Mel’ break things off, Derwin dates another woman, gets her pregnant but somehow he and Melanie make it through and become engaged. Yikes. I personally found it impossible to root for that relationship or any character as I almost felt personally betrayed and disgusted. Frankly I give much kudos to any fictional character or entertainment that can evoke as much emotion from me now as when I first saw Vince Vaughn play Norman Bates in Psycho YEARS ago. I was thoroughly convinced he needed to be committed until I saw him in Dodge ball, but I digress.

      Somehow I found myself sitting through the season finale, and epic wedding that I thoroughly opposed. Then something changed as John Legend’s soulful piano melody  gave way to the warm rasp of his voice. It was not until the chorus played, and along with the presumable montage of the rise and fall, but perseverance of “Derlanie” (yep I went Brangelina on that one) that my heart actually melted. These are the words to the chorus:

 

This time I want it all / This time I want it all / I’m showing you all the cards

Giving you all my heart /  This time I’ll take the chance /  This time I’ll be a man / I can be all you need / This time it’s all of me

 

 

All I know now is that song spoke or sang volumes a lot, and it would take forever to find online when I had the sudden urge to listen even though I had forgotten the words. I had originally stored it as “John Legend the game finale song” and frankly two years before I officially downloaded it without an iTunes purchase or anything. It went straight to Cd.

 

      I hear this song and I see the wedding, that faced so many obstacles and that in my mind should not have happened because either the man didn’t deserve a second chance, or the girl was too smart and deserved better, or her dress was dumb, or the timing was bad (Derwin’s Baby’s mother was in labor and baby was born that same day- really CW?) or a million other things, but it didn’t matter, because of the very title of the song, THIS TIME. This time they were sure, and wanted it all, and this time, this moment, this day, this man along with this woman is and always were meant to be. It was so pure, that in spite of her haircut and dress, Melanie was an angel walking down the aisle and Derwin was the happiest man on earth, in love and humbled by her beauty and grace. Anyone watching and listening to that song would have felt the same as he did because it’s a true testament to what everyone deserves yet can only wait for their own time to receive.

 

Hearing that song and having that memory, granted of a fictional show, with characters played by under recognized actors, but a memory none the less, makes me feel like I’m close. Or rather, like its real, a real occurrence, real phenomena, and a real thing. That a man can realize when this time comes, this woman, and this love, that he will be sure, “more than sure” as John states it at the song’s bridge. Followed by a confidently stretched, “I’ll show you.”  Experiencing the two stimuli paired together prompted such a strong conviction of the above named ideals that I’m likely to assume by some pseudo-pavlovian conditioning response that anyone who suggests I listen to it, is somehow in love with me, or in love with someone. It pains me to think that the prospect of anyone falling in love with me has the same likelihood of another season of the Game airing, but as days, months and years go by, I’ve grown accustomed to merely looking at the world as just that. Something to look at, which is one thing I hate to be for anyone who is not at least honest about it. But indeed, that has become my stance on it: something to look at, observe, and dip a toe into when the waters seem clear, harmless, and warm enough. But the experience is only as rewarding as the one I described here. In that I allowed a combination of what I saw, and heard, unravel my former cynical perception and had the chance to witness something so beautiful that I would spent the time, “This Time,” to write about it now, 2 years later.-(That and I couldn’t sleep)

 

There are ten other songs on in the mix,  and only the final song holds as much if not more weight that than all of them combined, including the first. That is because, I would not have learned about the song had I not taken the time to learn about the artist from someone, who at the time made me feel like “This time… I’m more than sure” and everything in between.

 

 “I’ll show you”

~ Cheers!

“I Knew I could do it this time because, well, I had already done it. Does that make any sense?”

As Harry and Hermione are taking their triumphant ride on the back of a stolen Hippogriff named Buckbeak, Harry tries to explain to Hermione how he performed the daunting feat of summoning a patronus that cast away hundreds of dementors only seconds earlier.

While I do not believe in any wand waving form of magic or sorcery of any kind, I am a diehard fan of Harry Potter and challenge anyone to a duel of trivia on the matter.. but I digress, as my affinity for the acclaimed series is hardly the purpose of this post…

For those of you familiar with Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, I hardly need to delve into the twists and turns of what I personally think is the most thrilling  and thought provoking installment of the entire series. For those of you who are not so familiar, I simply urge you to watch it, and to quote Professor Trelawny, “Use your inner eeeyyyeeee.”

But as I’ve kept you waiting, my reason for this post is that one line, “I knew I could do it this time because I had already done it.” Harry and Hermione embark on a race against time (Pardon the overused cliche, but it fits, trust me*) as they are sent back in time only a few hours into the past to rescue the lives of certain pivotal characters that would otherwise meet a most untimely and horrifying demise.

Buckbeak the Hippogriff is a creature that most resembles a horse-sized pigeon from head to just past the wing joint, where the remainder of the body possesses the form and function of a klidesale horse. Sirius Black is to Harry’s astonishment, his Godfather who was wrongfully sentenced to life in Azkaban, the wizard prison. Now escaped and hellbent on seeking justice against those responsible for his lengthy imprisonment and alienation from his Godson, he too must hope that the dreaded “dementor’s kiss” is not the fate that awaits him now that he is so close to regaining the life that what was taken from him.

This kiss that allows the hooded ghoulish beings that guard Askaban the chance to punish magical criminals in a manner that some perceive as worse than death. The kiss occurs after the dementers extract every last positive emotion and memory lingering within their victims. The kiss marks the literal removal or “sucking out” of one’s soul, leaving them alive, but in an irreversible zombie-like state providing only a shadow of their former selves.

The only weapon against these beasts is the Patronus charm; an incantation of “expecto patronum” is said aloud while focusing on a mental image of one’s most joyful memory. A feat not easily achieved by wizards in their early years and especially if their upbringing has been riddled with a slew of painful experiences and sorrow as was the experience of Mr. Harry Potter.

 

Now to the juice: During round one of life (aka prior to traveling back in time to correct their 13 year-old attempt at life) Harry and the gang semi-witness Beackbeak’s execution, or rather look away from their distant vantage point and accept the the loud swish and thump of the hooked blade to mean the deed had been done. Later on, after many more catastrophic events, Harry and Sirius end up at a river’s edge, talking about a seemingly bright future they could spend together. That is until Hundreds of dementors descend upon them, and suck out so much (positivity?) from the both of them, it is inevitable that they will both receive a kiss. As Harry’s vision begins to blur, catching site of a bright light across the river,  the scene fades to black.

Then: After awaking in the hospital wing, Harry and Hermione are told to go back in time just a few hours to correct certain mishaps where, as Dumbledore, the school’s headmaster, implies “more than one innocent life can be saved.”

AND So: They do indeed save Buckbeak from the executioner’s blade, and unbeknownst to their “other” selves, become the catalyst for the remaining events that previously appeared to occur only due to chance. When we are brought once again to the river scene, ‘Current’ Harry watches and waits for what he thought was his father (who has been deceased for 13 years) to appear only feet ahead of him and cast the patronus that saved Sirius and himself only hours earlier. When it becomes evident that no such being appeared he leaps to his feet just as Hermione whispers, “No one’s coming Harry, your dying, both of you.” With a hearty “EXPECTO PATRONUM” Harry summons an impressive patronus that takes the form of an elegant stag that charges away the dementors before they could satiate themselves with the taste of Sirius’ and his young souls. Upon doing so they both mount Buckbeak and Harry goes on to explain that it was not his father that he had seen earlier, but himself. He then tries to impress upon Hermione that the realization that he had seen himself producing the stag served as the force behind the complete and utter confidence that he would produce another just in the nick of time.

WITH THAT SAID: I and by extension ‘We’ are faced with a very real and tangible explanation for the mechanisms involved with our ability to achieve goals set before us. It has been said that children who grow up with role models who resemble them, be it in gender or race are more likely to pursue and acquire careers  in which these role models are present. In a matter of speaking, (or writing in this case) this logic might suggest that if one can see themselves or one who resembles them in a particular role, they are more likely to take on that role in the future.  Unfortunately for some,  these roles are not always that of a doctor or lawyer or any other cookie-cutter pseudo-dream career set before us before we reach the second grade. I say unfortunately because aside from the cookie-cutter ideals, some will submit to a life that promotes unlawful means by which one is expected to “earn” their income and provide for a family, if not only for themselves.

AS WE SEE WITH HARRY: During his first trist into the woods, he undoubtedly attempted to cast away the dementors for both his and Sirius’ sake, but exhaustian, and being blindsighted, as well as never actully producing a fully formed patronus did not serve him. Only catching that one glimpse of an individual who he did not realize was himself, but only RESEMBLED him was enough (JUICE?) to bring him to his feet and cast the charm that saved his life. As the charm is strengthened by a MEMORY, It is fascinating that the only memory up to that point powerful enough was one of him actually achieving the seemingly impossible goal.

 

Questions:

Can this imply that simply seeing and believing enough to make your dreams, goals, or *wishes* come true? 

Has it happened to you?

Aahh the power of positivity if no dementors are around to steal it***Image

Song on at close: Axel Boman: Son of a Plumber  (My dad used to be a plumber.. Sidenote**)

Setting: Living room.. Couch

-Endenisee

 

”Anticipation …

”Anticipation makes everything better. Its always worth the wait.”

-J.M.
Advisor, ~ 2007

I still think this may be true.

el: Grey Room

en: Snooze Bag

on: 50 seconds into Tonto by Battles.